1,653 Days

 

It's been 1,653 days. 4 years, 6 months and 7 days. I still think about him every day. I still feel raw. I don't feel like people understand why I post about Zuka or suicide almost every day. 

I'm not sure that I'll ever accept that he's gone or fully understand why. 

I really want to get my masters degree and work as a counselor. How can I do that when I still feel like I've been punched in the gut whenever the topic of suicide comes up? In some ways I feel like my personal experience makes me a valuable resource when it comes to suicide prevention. In other ways, I feel like maybe I'll never be in a place where the topic doesn't hurt so badly. 

I've been told that I post too much on social media about my son and suicide. I get where people are coming from. I think that seeing someone lose their child makes people uncomfortable and reminds them that life is really fragile. Maybe it reminds them of their own struggles or life experiences. Death and Suicide are very difficult topics and to be in my life means you are faced with that. I've lost friends because it's too much, they don't understand where I'm coming from. How could they understand unless they have been there? Maybe my posts make people think about issues they aren't ready to face. 

 I think some people get tired of hearing about suicide and mental health. I'm never looking for sympathy. This is a huge part of who I am and I share it because it's my daily struggle. I have received messages that I need to "get over it" or "move on." But, I have also received messages that sharing my story encouraged someone to get help because they wouldn't want to see their loved ones in that much pain. I want someone to hear my story, Zuka's story, and realize that they want to get help with their own struggles. I want them to understand that you CAN get help for your mental health. Your life can change, your feelings can change but death...death is permanent. 

We watched a video at work today and the topic of suicide, bullying and Autism came up. I couldn't hold in the tears. I feel like expression of human emotion should be encouraged. I feel like if you feel comfortable laughing in front of me, you should feel just as comfortable crying in front of me. I feel like people are so much more relatable when they are able to express emotion. I wish I could extend that grace to myself. I really beat myself up for not being able to hide my emotions. I feel like my tears make others uncomfortable and I'm not okay with making others feel bad. 

I know this is where I belong. Helping others who are struggling is healing to me, it gives me purpose. I just wish I had the ability to separate myself from the intense emotion I feel when suicide is the topic of conversation. I've been in therapy weekly for three years...still, I wish it wasn't on my mind every day. I wish I didn't still feel so raw, so vulnerable, exposed. 

I wish people understood. 

You see, It's been 1,653 days...4 years, 6 months, 7 days. But for me, it was yesterday...it's every day. 

If you are struggling with feelings of suicide please call or text 988. 

Please stay. 

Losing you changed me

 

Losing you changed me. I spend more time alone. I think too much. I have nightmares. I worry that people will mention something that triggers me and I'll cry. I have a constant fear of losing people that I love. I'm afraid to argue because what if that's the last time I get to talk to someone. I can't go to sleep mad. I have this need to make a difference....to save someone because I couldn't save you. I need to always be better, do better, try harder... be enough. If I was enough, would you still be here? I'm ok. I feel happy sometimes but a piece of me is always broken and I have to hide that... stuff it down... people get tired of being around the broken one.  I lost you. I understand that... I just didn't know that I'd lose me too....

What I would say to you... 2 years later

 

Dear Zuka,

     I've been writing this letter to you in my head for a week straight, still, I don't know the words to say. If I could write you a letter this is what I would tell you..

Everything has changed since you left us. Life still goes on, the days pass and everything goes on but nothing will ever be the same. How can it be TWO years since I last heard your voice? God, I miss that laugh, that smile.

I'm about to graduate and hope to find a way to use my degree to help other young people thinking of suicide. I couldn't save you... maybe your story and your legacy can help keep someone else alive. That's why I go on. I can't believe you won't be here to cheer me on... your absence is ever-present.

Your sister is starting her junior year of college. She's so strong and amazing and I wish you could see her kiddo, you'd be so proud of her.

Your whole family misses you. Your cousin called you a king yesterday and it warmed my heart. Everyone loved you...everyone loves you still and we miss you more than you can imagine. 

Your stepdad and I are no longer together, but we are good, we are really good. We have both moved on with new partners and everything is at peace. I know you wanted so much for us to be all be happy and this new chapter in our lives is pretty happy. The only thing missing is you.

I need you to know I don't blame you kiddo. Not ONCE. I try every day not to blame myself... What I could have said, what I could have done. I'm not angry. Never ONCE angry with you. Angry at myself though. I'm working on it.

I remember the early days after your death. I refused to believe you were gone. I sat in your room like you were going to come home... and even now, two years later, every cell in my body cries that you can't be gone. My brain tries to make sense of your absence and I want to let myself believe you are away at college. I wish you were away at college kiddo... about to celebrate your 21st birthday and raising hell like you loved to do. 

Zukie... I don't know how life goes on without you... I don't know how I've made it through the past two years... It still hurts so damn bad going on without you... and I don't think it will ever be okay again kiddo. Zuka I miss you so much. Every day something reminds me of you and my heart aches a little every time... I'd give anything to have you back. I'd give anything to see you again, hug you, tell you I love you and tell you how very sorry I am that I couldn't save you... I'm sorry kiddo. I'm so sorry I failed you. 

I know in my heart that I will see you again one day... I have to believe that. I have to. 

I love you with all my heart Zuka. Yesterday, Today and Forever. You are loved. You are missed. 

❤❤❤

720 days

 

It's been 720 days

1 year, 11 months, 20 days

23 Months, 11 days

It's been nearly 2 years since Zuka took his life. The pain doesn't go away. It's easier to manage most days. I see a therapist, go to group therapy, see a psychiatrist, I'm not ashamed to say. I take medication and I learn to manage...not watching certain movies or listening to certain music, I know what my triggers are for the most part. Sometimes something will hit me that I didn't expect. Loud noises still startle me and sometimes certain triggers are unavoidable. 

It's hard right now. When I'm alone I'm often in tears. I am going through his things, the few items I have left of his. I watch his videos and listen to his playlist. The anniversary of his death brings me right back to that day. It's a day I will never erase from my memory, every single detail fresh in my mind. 

I have seen posts and articles saying that you should never tell a suicidal person to live for someone else. WHY? Living for someone else was the ONLY thing that kept me alive when Zuka died. 

See, I understand what it's like to be a suicide loss survivor. I know how much it changed me, I saw his friends and family deeply in pain and forever change. 

You will never hear me say someone who dies by suicide is selfish, I don't believe that at all. When a person is suicidal they often believe that people around them would be better off without them. They feel like a burden. If I tell people about the pain of losing someone to suicide it's not for sympathy. I don't need sympathy, I need you to understand that if you take your life, you will DESTROY those who love you.

If you can't live for yourself right now, live for the people who love you. I know it feels like no one cares, I know it feels like they would be better off without you...I have felt that too!

STAY. Stay alive. 

Things can and will get better. Your feelings are temporary but death is forever. 

I encourage anyone who is struggling to call for help if you are contemplating suicide. Call the suicide hotline, go to an ER or a crisis unit. Do whatever you need to do to stay alive.

If you are depressed please seek help. Talk to your doctor, seek out therapy, talk to someone you trust. If you are a teen please talk to your parents, school counselor, doctor, or a trusted adult. 

Parents pleaseeee take you child's cry for help seriously. It's better to overreact than to mourn the loss of your child!!

There is no shame in seeking help. 

There is no shame in counseling. There is no shame in struggling with mental health. Depression is often a chemical imbalance and it CAN be managed with counseling, medication, or other treatments. 

STAY.

STAY ALIVE.

Please don't put your loved ones through this kind of pain...looking through your pictures and boxes of your stuff. Counting the days since your death. 

You can be happy again, or happy for the first time. There's a wide world out there. The pain won't last forever... THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Be well... Take care of you!

You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide

I don't know how to say this

   

 I have been debating about posting this for months now, I just don't know how to say it. I don't want to deter anyone from getting help and I don't want to seem uncaring so this is difficult for me to post.
    Maybe I opened myself up to this by talking about suicide prevention so much. I want people to seek help when they or a loved one is feeling suicidal. I want you to talk to someone, see a therapist, or call the suicide hotline. I want you to stay alive and keep going. If you need to, I hope you go to a crisis unit and let them help you get stabilized. I just can't be that person.
    I'm not a licensed therapist. I'm not a professional.
     I plan to work in suicide prevention but there's a difference between having set hours to talk about suicide and being messaged at home during my personal time. I'm haunted by the fact that I could not save Zuka. How do you think it would feel if I couldn't save you as well?
     I hate to post this. I feel like I have to for my own peace and emotional well-being. I don't want to hurt anyone but also, I need to take care of myself. Please understand that it hurts me to write this.
    If Zuka's friends or family need help, I will gladly help you find resources!

Please be well! Take care of you and if you need help please talk to someone you trust, or call 1-800-273-TALK or visit the website for more options www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Lots of Love!

The Track, The Field

I walked the track today

I didn't think about it, like most things that hit me out of nowhere. I  rounded the first turn which looks onto the football field and realized THIS is where my son was. This is the track he ran, the field on which he played football The field where he graduated and the field where they had a candle light ceremony for him after he passed!!  

Much of his life, many of his proudest moments happened right here. 

So many mixed emotions. Sadness from missing him, pride from his accomplished goals and a sense of strength came over me. I felt as if Zuka were there cheering me on. I feel so connected to him there... memories play in my head... I want to cry.... I want to see him...to spend one more minute with him.... nowhere do I feel his presence more than I do there. 

I took some pictures, came back to the car to drive home and broke down crying in the car. I pulled myself together and turned on the car, the song "Someone you Love" by Lewis Capaldi was playing....man that song hits me hard and I lost it again... 

He can't be gone...I say the same thing a million times, but it doesn't make the outcome any different....He's gone. forever. 

but a little piece of Him is there.... at that track....in that field....a little piece of him Lives!

moving forward not moving beyond

I met with my psychiatrist via zoom this morning. Yes, I see a psychiatrist...and no I'm not ashamed to talk about it! We talked about last weeks feeling of falling apart. She said something that struck me, "You move forward but you never move beyond, "

I think I judge myself harshly when it comes to my grief, like I believe I should be doing better than I am. The thing is, I'd never think that about anyone else and judge them for their grief. Why do we expect some much more of ourselves than we do other people? Why do we speak to ourselves in ways that we would never speak to someone else? With grief, and other types of trauma, we will never forget, it doesn't mean we can't continue to move forward.  It's not about "getting over" what is hurting you but waking up each day and doing what you need to do to survive. Sometimes all you can do is hold yourself together and that's okay! You take the next best step, you do what you can do and what you need to do to get through each day.

Your mind and body hear you, when you think negative thoughts about yourself and set up unrealistic expectations for yourself you are harming yourself. It's okay to feel what you are feeling. The more we numb and stuff the pain the more we are going to feel it later. Feelings must be felt. It's uncomfortable to "fall apart" but sometimes it's exactly what we need. Sometimes you need to just break down, cry, scream, stay in bed all day.... do what you need to do to feel that pain and ride the wave through it. Understand that you will not always feel the same way. There will be good days and there will be bad. You can't get stuck in those times, continue to move forward but don't judge yourself for having those times when you are not okay.

Take care of you!!

If things get too tough, remember, you're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide

I'm falling apart

I don't think there could be a worse time to fall apart. I'm alone in social isolation, can't go visit friends or distract myself with a movie or go out to dinner. Not that I feel like talking much anyway. I have finals and projects this week and next and I can't pull it together. I'm afraid of failing out of school and then all of this would have been for nothing.

The other day I tried on his favorite shirt and it fit. I have wanted to wear his shirt forever. I know people don't understand why, I wish I could tell you. It's just something I needed to do. Who understand the messed up world of grief?

I can't stop crying. The dreams are coming every night. Last night he was a toddler and I was mad at him for playing in my expensive face cleanser. I came in the room angry at him and he looked up at me with his chubby little face and I melted. I scooped him up and held him like a baby, his head on one arm, his feet dangling over the other and I just held him. He showed me his playdough. He smiled, and then wiggled wanting to get down. I didn't want to let him go...I asked him to let mommy hold him for another minute.

He can't be gone. He can't be gone. He can't be!!

I know I should get that, right? Why can't my brain accept  that he's really gone. He isn't going to walk through that door and give me that dimpled smile. If I understand that he is gone, why does it punch me in the gut when these realizations come that he is in fact dead. He can't be dead. Little boys don't die. Not mine!

I'm not okay. I'm falling apart. I can't do this. I can't accept this

You're tired of hearing the same thing from me, I'm sure. I'm sorry. I am trying to be okay, I really am. I don't know why I can't just heal. Everytime I start to grow a little bit of a scab, something reminds me that he's gone and it's a huge open wound and I just can't breathe.

Who wants to breathe without their child? I will love him and miss him for the rest of my life!!! I will be haunted by the flashback of that night. I'm haunted by the memories and little flashbacks of my son, from the day I gave birth to him until the day he left this earth, just four feet from me.

I can't tell you what it feels like, there are no words. Unless you have been there you can't comprehend how much  space in your mind losing your child takes up...at times it's the only thing I think about. I promise I'm not trying to. I try to distract my mind, school, meditation, "happy thoughts" UGH. Yes I'm getting help! Yes I'm doing all the things I'm "supposed" to be doing... It doesn't fucking go away. He's gone and I feel like for the rest of my life I will have one foot in each side....one here and one in death. I feel like my heart will never beat the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

DAMMIT Zuka, I need you here!!! I don't have the option to go... I have to be here and live this life without you....and I'm falling apart... I'm just falling to pieces right now....

Questions and Pictures

Yesterday I found pictures of Zuka that I hadn't seen before... it hit me so hard. I had a reaction I never experienced before. My body was shaking and I couldn't stop crying.... when that happens I'm brought back to the emotion of that night... I can't breathe. I called my daughter because I NEEDED to talk to someone who understands...someone who was there.

See pictures are amazing. Especially when they are all you have left... but when you lose someone even the good pictures hurt so damn bad.

My brain still plays tricks on me, like he's away at school...and I'll see him again... but when these things hit me I have to face the fact that he is gone....forever.... I can't fathom that. I can't wrap my head around the fact that the little boy who called me mommy is gone forever. How can that be?? Why did he go?
                              
                                   I'm left with so many questions and pictures...

You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide

Please don't leave your loved ones with only Questions and Pictures

Ghost

We lost her that day, though her body walks in this realm, she is now a ghost.

She was his mother, she left the earth when he did. He floated away and she grabbed onto him, unable to keep him, she allowed herself to float away with him.

She never meant to survive without him, can a broken heart beat? can one live without air in their lungs? Bleeding and suffocating she refused to survive.

You will see her, that ghost... she may smile as she floats by, but she will never show you the hollowness inside. She wears a mask of humanity, a shell pretending to exist in this realm but her soul has gone forever.

Rest in peace dear mother, I know the pain was too much and the lure was too strong to keep you here. Rest in peace.

Life Update, Mom Dad and Sister

It's been 1 year, 7 months and 21 days since Zuka passed away.

1.6 years

19.6 months

85.6 weeks

599 days

Funny how a 19-month-old is still considered a baby, but when you are grieving people think 19 months is such a long time.

You don't spend years of your life loving someone and expect the pain to dissipate just like that.

That being said, let me give you an update into all aspects of my life.


I still miss Zuka incredibly, I still have nightmares, I still startle at loud noises and jump easily. I have PTSD related to his death,

I see a therapist to talk about my feelings and deal with my emotions. I think it's important for people to talk to a therapist if they are dealing with any kind of conflict, stress or complex emotions. There is no shame in it.

I see a psychiatrist to help with medication for PTSD nightmares, for sleep (I have insomnia) and to help with my mood, again no shame!

Zuka always wanted me to be healthy. I wondered sometimes if he was ashamed of me because of my weight but if he was he never let me know that and he wanted me to meet his friends. He never made me feel bad about being overweight but he did encourage me to be more healthy. The summer before he died he wanted to be my coach and help me lose weight, unfortunately he never got to see me reach that goal...

I have lost 200 pounds (as of this week!) Yes you read that correctly, 200 pounds. I quit smoking in August and haven't thought of going back. Life is so much easier without the added weight. I just fit in the world better and am much healthier.

 

I wish Zuka could see me, I bet he would be so proud of me

Jamilah:

 (Zuka's sister) is in college in Florida working towards being a nurse practitioner, she's doing awesome in school. She is super strong and wise. She is definitely the other half of my heart!


I think Zuka would be proud of her too. 

Antonio:

 (Zuka's stepdad but his DAD) seems to be doing well. We are no longer together and barely in contact. Last I knew he had lost over 100 pounds!! He is still working as a corrections officer and I believe he just finished his degree also....or is about to? I'm not quite sure.

 I know he misses Zuka as well. I am saddened by the fact that he never received the same level of support that I did with Zuk's passing. He was Zuka's dad from the time he was 6 years old, he loved him and treated him as nothing less than his own son, yet he never received the same support from most people as I did.









I am in college studying Psychology and I have TWO classes left to get my bachelors degree. I am hoping to work in the areas or suicide, grief or trauma. I plan to go for my Master's when the time is right.

I think that's it, so many changes for the whole family. It's been rough but we are all surviving. You know there are things in life you think you would never survive. I'm here to tell you, YOU CAN! I'm not saying it will be easy but you will survive! 

Take care of you! Much Love!

Heavy Loads

I've heard it said "Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy." I resonate with this so much.

If you saw me driving to the store today you probably saw me bopping my head to "gimme the beat boys free my soul I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away....."

I greeted everyone at the store with a smile. Except for the lady who was super impatient with me in the produce section because apparently I take to long grabbing raspberries, she got the side eye, but you catch my drift.

I post pictures on social media, always with a crooked smile or what some have teased is a pout, (you know who you are!).

I make stupid videos on Tik Tok and Instagram that only I think are funny.

If you ask me how I'm doing I will likely say, "great thanks and yourself?" That is my go-to and use it 99% of the time.

What you don't see is what lies beneath the surface. Everything you see above is a coping mechanism. It makes me feel better for everyone to think I'm great and that I am handling everything life has thrown at me in the past two years. It's been a lot. I'm haunted by memories and dreams. I'm haunted by old pictures and items that remind me of what I have lost.

You thinking people move on....but many of us don't....or we don't admit that it's taking so much longer than you realize to be okay.

I talk to my therapist, it's one of the few places I cry....besides the shower and in my bed at night. Though it's usually in the morning after a heartbreaking dream.

You can't look a person and judge how well they are doing....it may be how well they hide how they are truly feeling.... and though I can get through more hours or more days without those super dark times, and tears...it doesn't mean it's any less heavy. It's still so much to carry.

I know I have distanced myself from people. Some unconsciously, some accidentally and a few on purpose. Sometimes I'm afraid to care about anyone new. Sometimes I'm afraid of breaking down... I've burned some bridges....some rightfully so and some I wish could be repaired, or new bridges built. Right now though, I just need to struggle and carry this weight and make it look as easy as I can because that's what makes me feel sane...

If you're hurting....please know it's ok to deal with it however you need to. Please find some place that you can reach out, whether it be therapy or someone you can trust and rely on.

 I see you. I see the weight you are carrying....I know it's heavy baby! I see you! If all you did was carry that load another day, I'm so damn proud of you!!!

Keep GOING!!!!!

I've got dreams

I've got dreams....dreams to remember...

and that's all I have left...

I dreamed last night that you were a little boy and I had racks full of superhero t-shirts that you were trying on. I got bunches of clothing for you and your sister and you were just so happy and going through the clothes laughing and showing things to your sister, your smiles beaming.

It was good to see you, to be your mom... and for a moment I thought it was real...

Then I woke up and you faded away. The only place I get to see you is my dreams. I don't want to stop dreaming of you and at the same time, it kills me to wake up and remember that you're gone.

Kiddo, you left me with so many questions... what I could have done differently... why did it have to end like that? Why did it have to end at all? What if we had done this or that? Why didn't I watch Moana when you told me to? Why didn't I listen to all your superhero stories? Why didn't I watch teen wolf? What if I had taken more time, said the right things, would you be here today?

I can't stop the questions....I can't hide the tears... though I try, I really try. And I get it kiddo, sometimes I want to give up too... but I can't do that to the people who love me, I can't do that to your sister...and DAMMIT I stayed kiddo!! I stayed! Why couldn't you??

My heart is so broken kiddo, all I have is dreams left.... and memories... and regrets... I wish you could have stayed...