Day 27, nothing inspirational here...

It all happened so fast. In a moment you were gone, there was no going back, there was no note to tell me why. The world keeps going on around me, people slowly moving on and making it through. Not me, my world is stuck on August 20th 2018. The day replays in my brain. You told me you loved me so many times that day....but you left. You agreed that we bump heads so much because we were so much alike, kindred spirits. I felt like you were the only one who got me, I felt like I was the only one who really got you. I thought I knew the line, the line you would never cross... and I know you weren't you...you weren't in your right mind because you never would have left. Every time we ever argued you would check on me to make sure I was okay, no matter how mad you might have been at me you called and asked "Are you okay?" and we always said "I love you!" no matter how bad it got... and I thought you were coming to check on me that day.... you were just feet away from me. You were angry that I wanted you to go to the hospital for help... and I thought you were coming to say "Are you okay?" and "I love you" but you left me with no Goodbye and I am so not okay this time and damn I love you so much...

I would give anything to go back, do that day over, make you get help...and maybe it would have only prolonged things but at least I would have had one more day. One more time to tell you how much I love you and it's hard to breathe without you.

I'm afraid I will never be happy again. Maybe I don't want to be happy again. All I know is this feels like hell. Do you have any idea how long this life is going to be without you?! It's unbearably long... every day is just empty with this Zuka sized hole in my heart... in my soul.... I hate that I have to go on without you.

There's so many things I want to say to you.... I love you....I'm so sorry I couldn't save you....