Month 3 without Zuka

I haven't written in awhile, life has been overwhelming. It has been 3 months since Zuka passed away. I would love to tell everyone it's getting better but I still cry every day....but I have started to hide my tears now, I guess I think people might think crying every day after 3 months is excessive or whatever, I don't know why I care.

I feel so empty, I miss Zuka so badly. I think I have gone through each stage of grief repeatedly. I still have a hard time accepting that he is gone and not coming back. I have been angry and irritable and snappy. I have had days I want to sleep all day and yet I have had sleepless nights. I have begged God to rewind time, and I have had days when I didn't know if God even existed.

Zuka's birthday was 11/10, we went to the ocean and let some of his ashes fly out to sea, it was very windy. I wrote his name in the sand and spent time in the sun just contemplating life and loss...cried a few tears. Later we had cake and sang happy birthday to Zuka...

I still have so many goals for "Zuka's Legacy" but I have to realize it's going to take longer than I expected. I started out full speed ahead and right now I am just so exhausted.

Zuka passed away right before his birthday and all the Holidays. It's exhausting being heartbroken. I can't imagine him not being here for Christmas. I keep seeing presents he would like and having to remind myself he is gone, it's like my brain is trying to torture me.

This is why I haven't blogged lately, I feel like nothing has changed and I have nothing positive to say.

I still feel empty, I still miss him like crazy, I still would give anything to change what happened and have my heart back.

Zuka's Birthday 11/10

 

Please share!!

11/10/99 would be Zuka's 19th birthday!!!!

 We are asking friends, family, classmates and whoever is inspired to to a random act of kindness in Zuka's name.

You could even leave a little note about your inspiration behind the act but of course thats optional.

I am posting this idea in  advance so you have time to think about it and prepare.
If you would like to share your random act of kindness please email storie or pics to zukaslegacy@gmail.com

Thank you all in advance and please share!

Random Acts of Kindness Examples

* bake or but a treat for a grieving person/family
*Leave money on a vending machine for someone
*Bake cookies for the elderly
*Serve at a homeless shelter
*Do a 5k for a good cause
*Help at a veterinarian office
* Pick up litter
*Let someone go in front of you in line
*Give a stranger a compliment
*Make dinner for a family in need
* Insert coins into someone’s parking meter
* Leave letters of encouragement on people’s cars
*Buy a movie ticket for the person behind you
* Pay for someone’s meal at a restaurant
*Write letters to soldiers
*Donate Christmas gifts to a shelter or organization that collects them
*Participate in a fundraiser
*Use your allowance to donate to a charity
*Hold open the doors for people
* Thank a teacher with a gift
*Donate your old clothes to the Salvation Army
*Help a senior with their groceries
*Shovel a neighbor’s driveway when it snows
*Walk a neighbor’s dog
*Babysit for free
*Plant a tree
*Do a favor without asking for anything in return
*Do something nice for your principal and tell him its a gift from Zuka
*Buy an ice cream cone for a stranger
*Prepare a meal for a neighbor
*Donate to a mental health organization
* Donate clothing to a shelter
*Spend a day at a homeless shelter
* Give out random flowers with encouraging notes attached
*Bring in donuts for your co-workers/classmates
*Help a child or older person cross the street
*Give someone a gift card that you don’t intend to use
*Wash someone’s car
* Read to kids at the library
*Perform a concert at a retirement home
*Help do chores at a farm/harvest ranch
* Leave your waiter a generous tip
*Start mentoring a younger child
*Spend time with your grandparents or elderly neighbor
*Make a family member breakfast in bed
*Give out balloons to random strangers
*Pack someone a lunch for the day
*Write a kind or encouraging message on a napkin
*Do a sibling’s chores without them asking
*Offer to take a shopper’s cart to the line outside
*Help someone who has a flat tire
*hand out candy
*Send care packages to soldiers overseas
*Write someone an encouraging poem
*Send coloring books to sick kids in the hospital
*Help tutor a struggling student
*Pay for another student’s lunch
*Offer to give a friend a ride home
*Take the time to listen to someone
*Make someone a homemade blanket or scarf
* Leave some change on a wishing fountain
* Help out the janitors at school
* Donate your hair after a haircut
* Give your umbrella to a stranger
*Offer compliments to strangers and friends and family
*Buy your waiter/waitress dessert
* Wash a neighbor’s dog for free
*Buy groceries for the person behind you in line
*Hide money in random places for strangers to find
*Do whatever random act of kindness makes you feel good

Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy

I don't think my blogs are helping anyone. Maybe one day they will, maybe one day I will find the secret to being happy again and you will see my journey but right now, nothing is getting better.

My daughter, Jamilah is in her senior year, her brother passed away her first semester, she works at a fast food place and she takes Advanced Placement classes, she still managed to make straight A's. She is so resilient, strong and intelligent, she's amazing and I admire her so much.

Me? I want to sleep half the time, I don't feel like dealing with the pain and I sleep. I had all these self help goals but it's so much easier to just sleep.

My brain still won't believe he is gone. I have to tell myself he isn't coming back and then I feel like my throat is closing up and 1,000 pounds are on my chest. I could have never believed pain like this existed. My whole body hurts but I feel it most in my throat when I think of him, it takes my breath away.

I wish there was a magic pill to take away the pain but then I'd probably feel guilty for not feeling it.

No one talks about him anymore, except my husband. It makes me feel alone, it makes me feel like no one cares about him anymore, like they just moved on. I know it's hard to be around a grieving person, I try to be as strong and fake happiness when I am around others. Sometimes it doesn't work and I cry in strange places, like in the middle of my husbands birthday dinner, while dining in public.

I know all my social media is hard to look at, I know I am obsessed with the memory of Zuka, or haunted, I don't know. I can't stop myself from posting pictures and memories. I know people don't want to follow me, I must look crazy. Maybe I am, I just hurt so damn bad and I would give anything to have him in my life again.

I wish I had words to make you understand the pain, there are no words, there is no description that can encompass this sort of grief. One would have to experience it to understand it and I wouldn't want anyone to go through a pain like this.

I'm exhausted, I'm angry, I'm lost..... I feel like everything I knew for sure before Zuka's death is just lost, like the entire foundation is gone....

Zuka's birthday is in 8 days, he would have been 19, but he is forever 18. This is brutal, this is torture, this is my worst nightmare and I can't wake up from it. Life is so damn hard. Missing him is killing me.


Someone advised me to check out Hallie Twomey's blog, look at her older post so midway through this post I stopped and took a look. I can relate so much, so maybe I am not crazy. The guilt, the what-if's, the pain, the tears and sadness and grief.... Yes, I could relate so much.

Hallie Wrote:
    "I am as empty as I've ever been.

"Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy."

This is so true of the smile we put on to make others comfortable... It's sad that our grief makes others so uncomfortable makes me want to hide away even more...

It's neatly 3 am.... I suppose I should try to get back to sleep.

life is hell. 

Halloween and Teens 2018

Yesterday was Halloween. Last year we got no Trick or Treaters but on the way home from y counseling appointment I decided that I wanted to participate in Halloween. Turns out my husband and daughter both had to work. I played music out the window and left my door open, yet I kept seeing them walk by.

I decided to take Zuka's speaker outside, I blasted Halloween music! I put the big bowl of Halloween candy bags outside in the lawn chair beside mine and waited. I ended up getting quite a few kiddos, about half of them were teens. I was so happy to see the teens, they were all so polite, several complimented me on my music and talked to me for a little bit. There was a couple who let the younger looking teens come over for candy and I told them to come get some candy.... several times I told different teens "No one is too old to get candy here!"

I thought about my son who was 18 and would tell me, "Mom, I'm not an adult, I still need parenting and advice." He hated when I called him an adult. It was like suddenly he was 18 and the world expected him to be a grown man but he wasn't, he still wanted to do the same things he did when he was younger, I really saw the way the pressure of "18" affected him.

When I saw those teens, saw them laughing and having fun, I thought it was wonderful that in some way they were clinging to their childhoods. Not ready to be expected not to like "childish" things anymore, not ready to be considered adults. I was so happy to see them, I wished them all Happy Halloween as soon as they started up my driveway..... just so very happy to see them... and each one of them seemed so thankful and just really cool!

When it was over, I came in and cried a bit, missing my son and appreciative of the night I had, where I somehow felt close to him by spending the brief time with these teens. It's funny, I never wanted to work with teens before, but now I am thinking of working with teens when I finish my degree, maybe working on a psych unit with teens....