Month 3 without Zuka

I haven't written in awhile, life has been overwhelming. It has been 3 months since Zuka passed away. I would love to tell everyone it's getting better but I still cry every day....but I have started to hide my tears now, I guess I think people might think crying every day after 3 months is excessive or whatever, I don't know why I care.

I feel so empty, I miss Zuka so badly. I think I have gone through each stage of grief repeatedly. I still have a hard time accepting that he is gone and not coming back. I have been angry and irritable and snappy. I have had days I want to sleep all day and yet I have had sleepless nights. I have begged God to rewind time, and I have had days when I didn't know if God even existed.

Zuka's birthday was 11/10, we went to the ocean and let some of his ashes fly out to sea, it was very windy. I wrote his name in the sand and spent time in the sun just contemplating life and loss...cried a few tears. Later we had cake and sang happy birthday to Zuka...

I still have so many goals for "Zuka's Legacy" but I have to realize it's going to take longer than I expected. I started out full speed ahead and right now I am just so exhausted.

Zuka passed away right before his birthday and all the Holidays. It's exhausting being heartbroken. I can't imagine him not being here for Christmas. I keep seeing presents he would like and having to remind myself he is gone, it's like my brain is trying to torture me.

This is why I haven't blogged lately, I feel like nothing has changed and I have nothing positive to say.

I still feel empty, I still miss him like crazy, I still would give anything to change what happened and have my heart back.