These Dreams

I dreamed of you last night, except it wasn't you at all. I was losing my mind and when I looked around I kept seeing you. I ran up and hugged you and your sister would grab my arm, "What are you doing Mom? That's not him" and she would take a picture and show me that the person I was hugging wasn't really you and I would be so disappointed.... no, more like shattered. I refused to believe I was losing my mind and I kept running up and hugging you tight and then again having to let you go because it wasn't you... over and over again... torture


I woke up....so empty I didn't have tears to cry...I just laid there.... Again reminding myself you are gone. I hate having to remind myself...

My dreams.... my dreams aren't something I can control. I try to keep my grief under control during the day, I try not to think too much, try not to linger too long on your pictures hanging on the wall. I try to keep it all neatly folded inside...

but at night, my mind, my heart, my grief runs wild. I spend time with a 3 year old Zuka teaching him to read... I walk down icy Maine streets at night and see you happily playing in a distance where I can't reach you. I see you as a baby I am holding tight, I see you in a crowd on a boat and I make contact long enough just to hug you before you disappear again... and some nights you're standing in the hallway, 18 years old and calling out to me "Mom....Mom" and I can't wake fully to get to you...to help you...to save you...

I'm hanging in here....but These dreams.... these dreams....they haunt me....