What if Happiness is not a choice?

I used to say that happiness was a choice, that we choose to be happy when we do the things to create happiness. I felt like I had to always work to create happiness and "positivity" even when I wasn't feeling it. After all, there must be a million meme's out there that tell me if I want to be happy, I must choose to be. After my son passed away and grief hit me, I felt a little angry when I saw these posts, and cringed at some of the posts I had shared. 

What I didn't realize is that sometimes no matter how much you decide that you're going to be happy you just cannot. When you say things like "choose to be happy," It can make those who are grieving or depressed feel a sort of guilt like their unhappiness is a choice and that somehow people can will themselves out of that feeling. 

 "Positivity" was something I tried to promote but there are times when there is no positive side! People will try to show you silver linings, but there really are none in certain circumstances. Yes, I have another child, YES, we had 18 years worth of memories, Yes, someday I hope to help other's with grief, depression and mental health but NONE of that makes losing a child any easier!! 
My son dealt with mental health issues, struggling with depression and bipolar disorder. No amount of "looking on the bright side" was going to take that away, he didn't choose to be unhappy. Happiness is not a choice for everyone. 

You cannot rise from the ocean of sorrows and will yourself onto a mountain top, so you just have to swim. Happiness may not be a option for you right now but survival is. 

Keep swimming

Sending you all Love, Jenn