Healing

I was talking to a friend today and we discussed healing. I know healing is a very personal thing and people are very protective of their own grief and healing process. Like a person with an addiction needs to be ready to get clean on their own, a hurting person needs to be ready to heal on their own time. It's not something you can force upon someone or tell them to "get over." There is no getting over grief but at some point, you decide that you will no longer be stuck in the same spot and you decide to carry the grief. You carry on.

I was in a car accident as a child. A tree fell on the car we were riding in and did quite a bit of damage to my body physically. After skin graphs and time, I healed, but I will always carry the scars. When it's cold out I feel pain in my hip and it's a reminder that it's still there, though it's not something I think of every day. I have hope that this pain will one day be something I don't think of every day but it becomes something in the back of my mind I think of from time to time.

When I was in an accident I had to let the wounds heal. If I had not been kept still to let the skin graphs take, or if I had chosen to pick at the wounds they never would have healed properly. My current wounds are emotional, spiritual, wounds of the heart. I have to chose not to pick at them. What does this mean for me? This means that I know there are certain shows and movies I can't watch because they trigger my pain. There are songs I can't listen to. There are people I have to limit my access to. I have to leave the wounds alone and let them heal. I have to take care of myself. I must learn what feels healing to me and what makes the pain worse.

The key is making the DECISION that you are going to do whatever it takes for you to begin healing. It's as individual as your fingerprint. Each person's healing process is going to look different.

I have made the decision to go where I feel I can heal. I am changing the environment I am in, the people I am with. I am going back to finish my degree so I can help other's dealing with trauma and grief. I don't think every pain needs to be turned into something beautiful but I want to use this pain to help other people because that's what helps me to feel better.

Ships and Free Birds

In less than two weeks I begin my new life in a new place. I go back to college and finish my mental health degree. A change of environment, new people, new places, new goals.

This has been the hardest year of my life. I lost my son, my job, my marriage, my home, my daughter is going away to college. For the first time, it will be just me. Rediscovering myself, healing and turning my life in a new direction. It's bittersweet. As brave as everyone tells me I am, I must admit I am scared. Scared is okay though, be scared and show up anyway. Right now, I am pushing the feelings aside and making decisions based on what I know is best for me, not based on feelings. Feelings can keep you trapped in places where you cease to grow.

Zuka wanted me to be happy, he wanted me to fulfill my goals. I just wish I had been able to while he was still here. Milah has been so supportive as well...Maybe being thrown from my comfort zone was the push I needed to make real changes. Not saying that I recommend that, it has been tremendously difficult but I am trying to make something positive come out of the pain.

This is no insult to anyone but I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I felt unfulfilled like something has been missing but I made commitments I respected and I stayed where I thought I belonged. Maybe I was trying to fit where I wasn't meant to be. I don't know right now, all I know is that's past....and I am looking towards the future from here on out. No looking back!

I carry you with me always Zuka.... and Jamilah, I am always a phone call away. I love you.

                        I'm a free bird...and I am ready to fly!!