I'm falling apart

I don't think there could be a worse time to fall apart. I'm alone in social isolation, can't go visit friends or distract myself with a movie or go out to dinner. Not that I feel like talking much anyway. I have finals and projects this week and next and I can't pull it together. I'm afraid of failing out of school and then all of this would have been for nothing.

The other day I tried on his favorite shirt and it fit. I have wanted to wear his shirt forever. I know people don't understand why, I wish I could tell you. It's just something I needed to do. Who understand the messed up world of grief?

I can't stop crying. The dreams are coming every night. Last night he was a toddler and I was mad at him for playing in my expensive face cleanser. I came in the room angry at him and he looked up at me with his chubby little face and I melted. I scooped him up and held him like a baby, his head on one arm, his feet dangling over the other and I just held him. He showed me his playdough. He smiled, and then wiggled wanting to get down. I didn't want to let him go...I asked him to let mommy hold him for another minute.

He can't be gone. He can't be gone. He can't be!!

I know I should get that, right? Why can't my brain accept  that he's really gone. He isn't going to walk through that door and give me that dimpled smile. If I understand that he is gone, why does it punch me in the gut when these realizations come that he is in fact dead. He can't be dead. Little boys don't die. Not mine!

I'm not okay. I'm falling apart. I can't do this. I can't accept this

You're tired of hearing the same thing from me, I'm sure. I'm sorry. I am trying to be okay, I really am. I don't know why I can't just heal. Everytime I start to grow a little bit of a scab, something reminds me that he's gone and it's a huge open wound and I just can't breathe.

Who wants to breathe without their child? I will love him and miss him for the rest of my life!!! I will be haunted by the flashback of that night. I'm haunted by the memories and little flashbacks of my son, from the day I gave birth to him until the day he left this earth, just four feet from me.

I can't tell you what it feels like, there are no words. Unless you have been there you can't comprehend how much  space in your mind losing your child takes up...at times it's the only thing I think about. I promise I'm not trying to. I try to distract my mind, school, meditation, "happy thoughts" UGH. Yes I'm getting help! Yes I'm doing all the things I'm "supposed" to be doing... It doesn't fucking go away. He's gone and I feel like for the rest of my life I will have one foot in each side....one here and one in death. I feel like my heart will never beat the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

DAMMIT Zuka, I need you here!!! I don't have the option to go... I have to be here and live this life without you....and I'm falling apart... I'm just falling to pieces right now....