1,653 Days

 

It's been 1,653 days. 4 years, 6 months and 7 days. I still think about him every day. I still feel raw. I don't feel like people understand why I post about Zuka or suicide almost every day. 

I'm not sure that I'll ever accept that he's gone or fully understand why. 

I really want to get my masters degree and work as a counselor. How can I do that when I still feel like I've been punched in the gut whenever the topic of suicide comes up? In some ways I feel like my personal experience makes me a valuable resource when it comes to suicide prevention. In other ways, I feel like maybe I'll never be in a place where the topic doesn't hurt so badly. 

I've been told that I post too much on social media about my son and suicide. I get where people are coming from. I think that seeing someone lose their child makes people uncomfortable and reminds them that life is really fragile. Maybe it reminds them of their own struggles or life experiences. Death and Suicide are very difficult topics and to be in my life means you are faced with that. I've lost friends because it's too much, they don't understand where I'm coming from. How could they understand unless they have been there? Maybe my posts make people think about issues they aren't ready to face. 

 I think some people get tired of hearing about suicide and mental health. I'm never looking for sympathy. This is a huge part of who I am and I share it because it's my daily struggle. I have received messages that I need to "get over it" or "move on." But, I have also received messages that sharing my story encouraged someone to get help because they wouldn't want to see their loved ones in that much pain. I want someone to hear my story, Zuka's story, and realize that they want to get help with their own struggles. I want them to understand that you CAN get help for your mental health. Your life can change, your feelings can change but death...death is permanent. 

We watched a video at work today and the topic of suicide, bullying and Autism came up. I couldn't hold in the tears. I feel like expression of human emotion should be encouraged. I feel like if you feel comfortable laughing in front of me, you should feel just as comfortable crying in front of me. I feel like people are so much more relatable when they are able to express emotion. I wish I could extend that grace to myself. I really beat myself up for not being able to hide my emotions. I feel like my tears make others uncomfortable and I'm not okay with making others feel bad. 

I know this is where I belong. Helping others who are struggling is healing to me, it gives me purpose. I just wish I had the ability to separate myself from the intense emotion I feel when suicide is the topic of conversation. I've been in therapy weekly for three years...still, I wish it wasn't on my mind every day. I wish I didn't still feel so raw, so vulnerable, exposed. 

I wish people understood. 

You see, It's been 1,653 days...4 years, 6 months, 7 days. But for me, it was yesterday...it's every day. 

If you are struggling with feelings of suicide please call or text 988. 

Please stay.